How to Be a Good Customer: An Open Letter from a Slightly Peeved Cashier

A general rule of society, as I think is (or should be) common sense, is to be as nice to people as possible, right? That's how society functions. That's how we get society in the first place. Sometimes it's forgotten, however, that people who work in customer service also count as people. Even when they're working, even when it's their job and they're getting paid to be nice to you, you should try your best to be nice in return, because they're people just like you.

That's why I'm writing this. I have had lots of experience as a cashier from volunteer to paid positions and therefore have lots of experience with things that get me generally miffed, just marginally disgruntled, and I don't feel like it's too much to ask to draw to them the attention of those who cause the problem so that they may learn something new that may cause them to alter their behavior in hopes to maybe be less annoying in the future, which is, ultimately, I think, everyone's goal.

Number One: Yeah, I know.

At my current job, there's a PIN-pad with a chip reader for credit cards. There's a step in the process where the pad says, "PLEASE DO NOT REMOVE CARD / WAIT FOR CASHIER". This is when I have to verify the amount of money that's going on your card, which involves pressing a single button.

Computers are computers and thus will occasionally be slow. It will take a hot millisecond for that PIN to be processed such that I can ask the computer to charge the card. This screen shows up every time. So please. For the love of god. Do not say, "Waiting for you," or read me the words on the screen.

I do this all day.

I.

Know.

Number Two: It's not my fault

I currently cashier at a place that has a rewards program. I am required to ask you if you are a member of the rewards program, and, if you are not, whether you would like to sign up. Personally, I don't give two flying shits whether or not you're a member, and if it were up to me, I would forego the process completely to speed things up. So don't get snippy with me for "trying to steal personal information" or whatever the fuck you think we do with your name, phone number, and email. Don't get curt and tell me how much you think rewards programs are bullshit and not worth the time and energy, don't tell me about how your sister's cousin's horse has a rewards account and doesn't get any rewards so what's the point. It's my job to sell it to you. I honestly don't care. If you don't want an account, just say no. That's it. Easy.

Number Two and a Half...

Speaking of rewards, if I forgot to enter your information and the money you spend just so happens to not count toward rewards points, it's really not the end of the world. It's a little bit of an overreaction to make me return every item on your list of 63 things and then re-ring them up on your rewards account. Not that I have specific experience with this particular thing, I'm just saying.

Number Three: Make an effort

One of my faaaavorite things is going to the clothes section and finding all kinds of merchandise thrown about amongst the neatly placed items. So, I have prepared a list for you.

• If you take a thing into the fitting room, take it back out when you leave.
• Put the shoes back the way you found them in the box.
• If a shirt was buttoned when you got it off the hanger, button it back up when you put it back on the hanger.
• And lastly, the golden rule:

One of my biggest peeves is pants, so I have prepared a lovely illustration in MS Paint using a touchpad which demonstrates how to properly fold them for efficient stacking:

The red represents the size sticker. Now, whether or not you took away any kind of folding technique from that beautiful drawing, at least take away this: The size sticker goes on the outside, so that people can see what size it is. The same goes with literally every article of clothing on a shelf that has a size sticker. 

Number Four: Have your payment method ready

This one isn't as obvious, so I don't get quite as mad about it, but it's really awkward and annoying for everyone when you wait until I tell you the final price to go digging for your checkbook, only to spend ten years writing out a check for three items. 

Also, for the love of god, please, if you're going to give me extra change to cut back on the number of coins you get back, please mention it before the cash drawer opens. When the cash drawer opens, the computer has already calculated the correct change, and you giving me extra change is going to fuck up both the till and my brain so please don't unless you do it right at the start.

Number Five: Sales tax is a hell of a thing

Your coupon for $10 off when you spend over $10 doesn't work unless you actually buy over $10 worth of things. If your subtotal is $9.80 and tax makes it over $10, it doesn't work. You can't use a coupon to avoid tax.

Number Six: My manager will tell you the same thing

This one is pretty self-explanatory. I once had somebody ask me if he could get the employees to put together a grill for him before he put it in his car and took it home, and I called up my manager and asked if that was a thing we did. He told me there's a $25 fee for that. The guy asked to talk to my manager, and proceeded to tell my manager that I told him that there was a $25 fee, to which my manager responded by confirming that, yes, in fact, there is a $25 fee. 

Number Six and a Half: I'm not trying to swindle you out of your money

The amount of money the company earns has literally no correlation to how much money I earn. If I tell you there's a $25 fee for putting together a grill before you take it home, do you really think it's me getting that $25? Do you?

Number Seven: Don't try to haggle

This is a retail corporation in capitalist America, not a bazaar or a garage sale. The items we sell are not ours to put a price on. I'm sorry you think it's too expensive, but that's just the way it is.

Number Eight: The cashier knows nothing

I never ever ever EVER get told what's coming in the next freight. I have no idea when that specific brand of goat food is going to be restocked. I also don't know if that gauge will fit that bolt or how many posts you need for a 780-foot fence. I don't know. I can tell you where to find the bathroom and where to go if you're looking for rat traps, but I don't know shit about your trailer hitch.

Number Nine: What's a weekend?

Don't ever tell somebody who works in retail to have a nice weekend. Weekends don't exist in retail. I haven't felt the joy of a Friday in years. In fact, weekends are the most stressful days in retail, since everybody else gets weekends off and therefore use that time to do their shopping. No, I do not have any fun plans for the weekend, because I work here. I understand the sentiment, but I can't "enjoy the sunshine" when I'm stuck inside a fluorescent-lit concrete prison. Thanks anyway though.

Number Ten: Don't be a dick

Like I've stated before, it's my job to be nice to you, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I don't want to brighten your day a little bit, so don't take the fact that it's my job to act happy for granted and brush me off like I'm a goddamn robot. It actually kind of hurts my feelings. I'm a person just like you and I require validation and acknowledgement such that I do not go insane. It's not like I want to do this. I need money. I need to eat. So at least try to be friendly to some infinitesimal degree in return, please. That's all I ask. 

I hope these ground rules have taught you something new today. I always think it's helpful and interesting to get to step into someone else's shoes just to see how they really have it on a daily basis, so hopefully it's had the same effect on someone else reading this. Go hug a cashier today! But only if it's okay with them. :)